RIP

Its been a hard few weeks. I've never lost anyone close to me before until mid last month when in the same week I lost a friend/old coworker and my great grandma. But the hardest one was today when I lost a good friend and ex.

I went to high school with TL we use to pass each other down the halls and at lunch, he'd turn and smile at me but I was always to scared to go talk to him. Finally the smiles turned into him saying hello and small conversations but we never got close until I graduated. After my 2 and a half year boyfriend cheated on me I went through an anti boy stage but a few months of TL trying to persuade me to go on a date with him I finally gave in. It didn't take much for me to start to like him but like many people he came with baggage and unfortunately trying to hold his was like strapping a bomb to your back you could never set down.

He was someone that deserved a lot more than life gave him. In high school him and his two year girlfriend went camping when they rolled while off roading and she didn't make it. He never moved on from this and I don't blame him but trying to start a relationship with him was difficult, he always felt guilty like he was cheating on her. Making future plans with him was impossible and any cute dates caused for upset phone calls after being stood up. Eventually despite my strong feelings I gave up.

But that doesn't stop me from going over the good memories we made. Midnight hiking trips, long drives, movies, parties, dinner dates. He was smart, caring, funny, dedicated, and strong willed despite family issues and past pains. I could go on and tell some incredibly funny stories and some very sad ones but I am all cried out for the day.

In todays day and age when you lose someone be prepared to avoid social media for awhile. I can't open Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram without seeing a photo of him or news postings of the drunk drivers truck inside the drivers side of his car rapped around a pole. Waking up to that causes that horrible stomach to the floor fighting the urge to throw up feeling especially when it was only the other day when you talked to them.

 I've moved on from our relationship but that doesn't help me from thinking back and wishing I would have done some things different during our time together, especially since he wasn't over it. My last tests were of him apologizing for not being in a state to give me what I was looking for and asking for a second chance Now I can't help but have a broken heart thinking about how someone who overcame so much left the world too soon.

The world is going to be a sad place without you hun and I'm so very sorry for so much, but I will miss you everyday.. Now I find myself going over old texts mostly laughing but some regretting what I said and what I didn't say. RIP Handsome!

What Your Lies Look Like

I thought we were past this.

I thought I could trust you.

But how do I trust those who lie?

And in my book a lie is no different than the things you intentionally hide.

I got you back.

Yes, not as we once were,

But as we first started.

And that was why I will always love you.

Before you my life was black and white.

After you no colors existed,

I only say outlines.

But eventually I found myself,

Who I was and who I wanted to be without you.

And just as always before,

We came back to each other.

It was a new beginning.

Two people with a past we already knew,

But a present that was different. 

I found the only person I could ever open up to when I was young.

You came into my life when I was truly lost and alone.

I doubt you know this but you saved me.

You were the best person for me at the time.

I got through my broken world with you there everyday.

You gave me reasons to smile,

And at times things were hard.

But we both needed it,

I needed to slowly let in the hurt and heal.

You needed to experience it.

As hard as it was when you left it forced me to rely on myself.

I finally saw who I actually was.

So much time went by,

And I would be the one lying if I said I didn't think of you.

Yes it hurt to lose my first love,

But it hurt more to lose the friend you were to me. 

You got me through the roughest part my life will ever see.

And just when I thought I was getting that person back, 

The one I told everything to,

The one I completely got to be myself with,

I found I obviously wasn't that person for you too anymore.

Your relationships don't bother me,

Actually they make me happy.

It bothers me you are lying,

Not only to me but to her,

As well as yourself.

It hurts me to see how little you have grown.

The lies you once told me are the ones she hears now,

It breaks my heart to see how little your relationships mean to you.

One day she'll find out,

Not from me but on her own as I did.

And then her world will come crashing down.

How does it feel to always be the one holding the gun to the hearts of those you claim to love? 

Let me tell you a story

Let me tell you a story...

Of an empty girl,

Haunted by a past she try not remember.

Of a quiet girl,

Hushed by ignoring ears of those around her. 

Of an angry girl,

In situations because of her mother. 

Let me tell you a story...

Of the first wrong glance,

Playing outback as he hid at the window.

Of the first wrong words, 

Always being told "you look so much like her."

Of the first wrong touch,

Getting tucked into bed without PJ's on. 

Let me tell you a story... 

Of her feeling small,

When no one listened to her speaking the truth. 

Of her moving on,

Because it was the only thing she could do. 

Of her all grown up,

Forced to forget more of her dwindling past.