RIP

Its been a hard few weeks. I've never lost anyone close to me before until mid last month when in the same week I lost a friend/old coworker and my great grandma. But the hardest one was today when I lost a good friend and ex.

I went to high school with TL we use to pass each other down the halls and at lunch, he'd turn and smile at me but I was always to scared to go talk to him. Finally the smiles turned into him saying hello and small conversations but we never got close until I graduated. After my 2 and a half year boyfriend cheated on me I went through an anti boy stage but a few months of TL trying to persuade me to go on a date with him I finally gave in. It didn't take much for me to start to like him but like many people he came with baggage and unfortunately trying to hold his was like strapping a bomb to your back you could never set down.

He was someone that deserved a lot more than life gave him. In high school him and his two year girlfriend went camping when they rolled while off roading and she didn't make it. He never moved on from this and I don't blame him but trying to start a relationship with him was difficult, he always felt guilty like he was cheating on her. Making future plans with him was impossible and any cute dates caused for upset phone calls after being stood up. Eventually despite my strong feelings I gave up.

But that doesn't stop me from going over the good memories we made. Midnight hiking trips, long drives, movies, parties, dinner dates. He was smart, caring, funny, dedicated, and strong willed despite family issues and past pains. I could go on and tell some incredibly funny stories and some very sad ones but I am all cried out for the day.

In todays day and age when you lose someone be prepared to avoid social media for awhile. I can't open Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram without seeing a photo of him or news postings of the drunk drivers truck inside the drivers side of his car rapped around a pole. Waking up to that causes that horrible stomach to the floor fighting the urge to throw up feeling especially when it was only the other day when you talked to them.

 I've moved on from our relationship but that doesn't help me from thinking back and wishing I would have done some things different during our time together, especially since he wasn't over it. My last tests were of him apologizing for not being in a state to give me what I was looking for and asking for a second chance Now I can't help but have a broken heart thinking about how someone who overcame so much left the world too soon.

The world is going to be a sad place without you hun and I'm so very sorry for so much, but I will miss you everyday.. Now I find myself going over old texts mostly laughing but some regretting what I said and what I didn't say. RIP Handsome!