Let me tell you a story

Let me tell you a story...

Of an empty girl,

Haunted by a past she try not remember.

Of a quiet girl,

Hushed by ignoring ears of those around her. 

Of an angry girl,

In situations because of her mother. 

Let me tell you a story...

Of the first wrong glance,

Playing outback as he hid at the window.

Of the first wrong words, 

Always being told "you look so much like her."

Of the first wrong touch,

Getting tucked into bed without PJ's on. 

Let me tell you a story... 

Of her feeling small,

When no one listened to her speaking the truth. 

Of her moving on,

Because it was the only thing she could do. 

Of her all grown up,

Forced to forget more of her dwindling past.

Do I like you or do I like the attention you give me?

This is the ultimate question! I am an ass hole when it comes to boys! I like a chalage, the chase, the thrill of liking someone new, or making someone like me. But do I really Iike that person or do I like the attention I get from them, or am trying to get from them? 

I never answer this answer until I get that person then the answer is usually no, I don't like them. And by this point it's too late to back out without hurting the boys feelings. I know there are some crazy clingy girls out there but I think there are just as many boys that way too! Boys try to play it all cool like they don't care and they just want to "fuck bitches" but in my experience once you get into bed with a boy they get clingy! 

Or maybe they just always want the opposite of what you want. When you want a relationship they don't, when you just want to have sex they want more. I've done two long term relationships in my life and well... both of them crashed into a pit of predictable but forever fighting the odds doom. After my second one I needed a break and thought this was a good opportunity to get out in the world have fun and sleep with whoever I want.

Well after a couple meaningless to me hookups and some awkward convos of no I don't want to date you's and never talking to them again I have really come to the conclusion of: Wow I am an ass. 

My always the same routine is oooo I like him! Okay bam now he likes me! Some cute dates! Wow I really like him! Sex! Yea okay I'm over this I don't really Iike you sorry bye! Now don't get me wrong I don't sleep with loads and loads of people most of the time I completely skip the sex stage and after a few times out and I know that person likes me I'm out. And no the sex isn't always horrible (few times yes but that is a whole separate story to roast someone in later) so why do I always do this?

I am a nit picker! I somehow find one thing I don't like about a person and soon that becomes all I see until I can't stand them anymore. Other times I just get bored. Like I said I love the chalage and once that's over and I win, where's the fun anymore? 

Now I am a strong believer in karma and it finds a way of kicking me in the ass by making me actually like people (or truly think I do just cuz I can't win) who just want to sleep with me but don't want to date me.

So now I've hit a point where my love life is about as dry as it gets and it's been this way for quite awhile now. As you've read last few dates I've been on has kinda scared me away from the dating life but I've been thinking I want to get back out there. So now the question is do I like you or do I just want to like to like you?

Is someone really considered a mother for just giving birth?

I'm going to get off track a little but if your just interested in what this post is titled skip down 9 paragraphs..

Hey everyone! I knows its been a while but honestly I've been pretty stuck. Usually writing comes pretty easy to me, something makes me happy, sad, angry, frustrated, curious, anything and me being the way I am I find it very difficult to talk things out, why?

1. I'm horrible with words! So when I try to express how I'm feeling others see me the opposite of what I want them to. I come off bitchy when I state my opinion, or I seem sad when I'm actually relieved, or angry when I just don't understand.

2. I am a crier! Yes one of my most hated things about myself, especially when it comes to talking to my dad. What is it about dads when your fine and holding yourself together but then they come around and you just break down. Well.. that is me. I don't know how to work through my feeling and I keep everything in and when I try to talk about something I just cry and for no reason. I try to hold it back but yeah right thats not possible.

3. The one thing everyone always says... No one really understands. I don't know how to talk to people about something in my life when I think (which means I think I know) they can not relate to my situation.

4. I don't want anyone to see me broken. I've always been wildly independent, everyone thinks that this is just how I am but I got this way because I had to be. I never would have survived in this world relying on others because everyone around me has let me down, broke their promises, left me, and kicked me to the curb.

So ever since I was a little girl I would write through my problems. I still have all my old journals and diaries starting from 3rd grade and up. I don't remember much from my childhood so going through them now is my way of connecting to who I was and apart of who I am, but I notice a lot of pages are ripped out and missing. When I have a horrible day or am super upset about something... lets use my dog as an example. I got him a little after I moved out and I was lonely I needed something to take care of. But this dog is impossible he refuses to be potty trained and when I try to get help or advice from people I know they would just tell me to get rid of him.

I took him in and doing so I agreed to take care of him for the rest of his life. I don't have kids so my pets are my kids. How could I just get rid of my son? Why take something in to just give it away. What would he think or feel? I can tell you.. the same way I felt my entire life. I just NEEDED one person to tell me to keep him to tell me to try this or anything, unfortunately I lack people like this in my life. So after a bad frustrating day with my dog I broke down and balled my eyes out screaming I have to get rid of him. So I locked myself in my room and I wrote about it... him... everything, a full 11 pages and after that I felt a million times better because I told myself to keep him.

People may not be able to think the way I do or see things the way I do but I do, so thats why I write. A less weird way of talking to myself and being my own therapist.

So lets get on track of the title to this blog. Last night I had a dream about my mother.. I haven't spoken to her since I flew home to Washington to be in a childhood friends wedding back in June, before that.. I couldn't tell you. I tried to avoid her that whole trip. I hadn't been home in 2 years I should have been super excited to finally go but I was dreading it and nervous because I'd have to see her. My mom is super manipulative she could make you believe the shy is pink. When I'm around her she acts as if nothing wrong has ever happened and if you bring anything up she is the victim to everything and poor her. She can twist and bend anything and you walk away brain washed and believing her and no longer mad about a time she ditched you at some crack whores house for 3 months.

You have to retell yourself no this is wrong, what she did was wrong. This is how she sucks so many people in and how she has a clueless boyfriend only 4 years older than me. I haven't thought about my mom in awhile but someway or another she finds a way to pop up when she no longer exists to me. In my dream we were in this weird house and she told me I had to leave because her and her boyfriend were moving overseas and I flipped and basically told her all the things I have wished to say to her. She then got really mad and stormed off and her boyfriend got mad at me for being so mean so I went off on him too, then I woke up. this dream was so real and I suppose my minds way of telling me I'll never truly move on in my life until I say the things I need to say.

So here are my letters to both of them...

Dear A.J.,
Why do you stay? She is mean to you, taken over your life, ruined your credit, and stressed you out to the point of not eating and losing 40 pounds. I know how she works, she makes you feel worthless and like you have no place else to go, but you do. You are still so young and still newly out of the navy, you should be out in the world having a good time with friends, going to school, getting a good job.
What happens when you grow up and you want children? She already has 4 she never sees or supports and her tubes are tied. What happens if I ever have a child? You could become a grandpa before your ever even being a dad. She has told you so many lies. Her kids were not meanly taken from her by the dads. She left us in a shelter home for me to take care of. We ended up with ur dads because for the umpteenth time she disappeared. She tell you about being clinically depressed and having borderline personality disorder? How about being a hypochondriac? Yeah all those medical bills were for nothing fyi.
Your throwing your life away with this woman and if you truly love her why not help her get better? Why don't you push her to take her meds, or go see the kids? Do you not wonder? Or is it normal to you to be a mother but have nothing to do with your children. Open your eyes..
Sincerely,
Never going to call you Dad.




Dear Mom,
For years you had me fooled. I thought so highly of you, like you could do no wrong. I hated my dad for 16 years thinking he was the bad guy, yes he could have been better but you could have been a mother. I was raised by maybe 30 separate people all for short periods of time, not a single one of them was you. I could go on for 20 years on all the wrongdoings you've done to me but somehow I can understand not being ready for a child at 17 and majorly fucking up, but why proceed to have 3 more and make the same exact mistakes.
I took care of child #2 like she was my own. She was my whole world. She's finally getting to that age where she is starting to realize everything you've done. Its heartbreaking to see her struggle with her relationship with you as I did. Even more heartbreaking when she tells me I am more of a mother to her than you are. How do you think she felt after breaking her arm and you stole her pain meds? It was like seeing her whole world crash down when she finally put the pieces of your addiction together. The family had to sit down and tell her the stories of you being locked away in your dark room high on pain meds sleeping your life away, while her dad was out working to support us and I was raising you.
How about the many times you made plans with the 3 of them, or promised them things like school supplies, clothes, food, toys, birthday presents, or just plain visits but never followed through. Child #3 and 4 are still young enough to love you unconditionally and never question your presence or actions. This is the thing that pisses me off the most. You still have a chance with them, you could still fix your relationship with the two youngest ones. Hell if you tried hard enough you could probably fix it with #2 too.
But you could never fix your relationship with me. I have been so done with you for a few years now and the fact that you don't see that is pathetic. You cry to grandma because I don't tell you Happy Birthday or even worse Happy Mothers Day, but now you see how it feels to be your kids. I don't tell you Happy Mothers Day because you are not a mother. You gave birth to us yes but it takes more than that to be a mom. A mom is someone who is there when you need them. Someone who doesn't drop you off at school on the weekends and take off, someone who doesn't leave a baby to take care of another baby, someone who doesn't let their boyfriend look at you the wrong way or tuck you into bed. A mother makes you do homework and notices when you stop going to school in 1st and 2nd grade.
You are a broken shell of what could be a person. You view the whole world as out to get you. One day on your death bed you'll look around and see everyone else finally joined me on giving up on you and you'll wish you would have done things differently. But I am done waiting around hoping one day you'll realize and change. I can't stand to see the others still waiting. Especially grandma, its one thing to give up on a parent but a parent never gives up on a child. How many times will you break her heart? How many times will you still think its everyone else fault but your own? I have so many questions and I have beaten myself up many times trying so hard to think the way you do just for a second, to try and understand the way you think and I know I never will.
You ruined 4 beautiful kids lives. We will all have voids to fill because of you and obstacles within ourselves to overcome. You took aways my childhood and I will not get that back, you made me block out so many memories I hardly know where I come from. You made me grow up without a mother and with a step mother who would never accept me. You made me feel guilty to the other kids for having more time with you then they ever will, but somehow I think that just makes it harder for me and easier for them. Every thing I have gone through was because of you! I hit my lowest of lows and didn't know how to live in the cage I was put in all because you left me, you left all of us. Child #2 is now living the spitting image of my life that I fought through so she wouldn't have to. 3 and 4 are living with the pig who made me scared when you were gone and are never going to know how women should be treated.
But I hope your life is wonderful. I hope you truly love AJ, your sick way of still feeling like you have motherly instincts by taking care of your kid boyfriend and loving your stupid dog more than you have ever loved us children. I hope you roll over and sleep easy never thinking about us because soon we will all learn not to think of you.
Sincerely,
#1