This is a hard topic for me because I get SOOOO angry, but a coworker brought it up today and its had my head once again spinning about the topic. So, I'm going to get it all out. All my thoughts and selfish opinions and why I think/feel the way I do, annnnnddddd any comments or advice would be nice.
Lets start with my age, I am 20 years old, my parents had me when they were 17 and 18. They were never together so I always knew a life with two/more sets of parents. My mother is such a long story! I could write a novel series about that part of my life but lets save that for another time. So today is going to be all about my parents (Father and Step-Mother).
Okay, I moved here to Arizona when I was 10, 4th grade, to live with my dad and his girlfriend. My life before here was extremely hard, I never had a set parental figure. Therefor I raised myself. Every kids dream right? Well you'd think so until you actually lived that way. Moving somewhere new ever few months sometimes with your mom, sometimes with your grandma, other times with some friend your mom would drop you off with and then didn't come back, but most my memories were in an apartment alone or a shelter home. But here comes the biggest piece of me and why I am who I am today, I also had a little sister 5 years younger than me.
I became a mother at 5 YEARS OLD! I would get her up in the morning, change her diaper, feed her, bath her, play with her, everything you can think of I did it. My childhood was gone, I had a little life to look out for. Then 3 years later my mother had another little girl. Then 2 years later a baby boy and almost immediately after he was born, and the state found out I was barely going to school and my Step Dad called my real dad and told him this was his chance to win in a custody battle, I was sent down to Arizona.
From the last month of 4th grade (I had to start on a Friday in April) all the way to the beginning of 6th grade I was a very difficult kid to handle. I would get in fights at school, cuss at my teachers, steal things from presentation classes, all while getting straight A's, but that didn't stop me from getting suspended a few times. Why you ask? Keep in mind this was my 10-12 year old way of thinking
If I'm super bad, my parents will send me back so I can take care of my little sister. She NEEDS me!
Well after 5th grade I realized they were not going to send me back so I was good from that point on, got in trouble from here and there but still better than most kids I knew. Unfortunately me and my dads girlfriend did not get along. I've known her my whole life, she use to be friends with my mom and hung out with the same group of kids my dad and his twin brother did. She was 15 when I was born. Well when I was 12 my parents got married, I didn't want them too but my dad did anyways.
After they got married is when my Step Mom and my's relationship shattered beyond repair. We couldn't even be in the same room without fighting. I begged my dad for help. I was so unhappy and lived in a prison. All my friends called me Cinderella growing up because all I ever did was clean and was constantly grounded. Yes a few times I deserved to be grounded but not for a whole year or months and months at a time. I didn't have a life, I barely went out with friends, I wasn't allowed to watch rated R movies until I moved out.
So skipping ahead in this what was supposed to be a short background to my major story, my high school graduation was about 2 weeks after my 18th birthday and my present was
"Hey were having a baby and she's going to be in your room!" (We have a 3 bedroom house.)
So what did I do? I moved out. My dad came into my room one morning shocked I was awake so early and saw my room packed up in boxes and I told him I was moving that day. And let me just say that was the best thing I have ever and probably will ever do for myself. Now my sister is 18 months old and I love her to pieces. I missed out on seeing my other siblings grow up, the one that is practically mine is in driving school now the other two are finally getting old enough I can keep them on the phone for a whole 10 minutes and I do fly home as much as possible to see them but still there always a year older, an inch taller, have a new hobby, a new friend, a whole different life, and that breaks my heart. So I look at my baby sister as my second chance, I want to be apart of her life, I've ruled out ever moving back home one day or away for a University so she will know who I am. I am farther in age from her than I am from my own parents.
Finally, my big story I wanted to tell was my dad dropped the bomb on me that they want to have another child. Its been about 2 weeks since he told me and I found out today that I was the last person to be told... As much as I dislike my Step Mom she's only 35 and it took her a long time to have my sister so I don't want her to miss out on the chance to have kids of her own but I loved being my dads only kid. When they had my sister it was really hard on me! I didn't want to be selfish but there was so many times my heart was braking watching them do things with her and give her things I NEVER had.
I know that sound horrible but remember these are my selfish thoughts. These are all the things I didn't say. I always sat there watching and letting my heart shatter. Since moving out my relationship with my dad is great but I can't help but feel I was kicked out of the family, honestly I feel like nothing more than a visitor in their lives. I left and they got new cars and campers and razors and family pictures and doctor visits, but the whole time I was little I had nothing, I got a job when I was 15 to pay for my phone and gas. But my step mom couldn't stand me calling the car (hers then my dads, then mine) "my car" so they sold it and I got a $1500 piece of crap that died 3 months later, then I took the city buss till I was 18. I have no family photos, I never went to the doctor, didn't have nice things and they did have money. I've done everything on my own since I was 16, my dad helped me here and there but nothing too big, let me borrow his truck for awhile, loaned me some money when I was short on rent even while working two jobs.
I had to give up college for awhile because I didn't have time with two full time jobs, Im finally going to go back spring of 2016 but the point is, it kind of makes me jealous of my sister and extremely resentful to my parents to see there lives now and to know Im not part of it. Just a simple go camping with us or let me go apartment shopping with you but no they saw my first apartment twice, the day I moved in and the day I moved out. They saw this one the day I moved in and my lease is up in 2 months.
But now they want another child? I'll be 21 before it's even born and thats if they conceive right away and don't have problems like last time. I know it is their life and their children but thats still my siblings that is still affecting MY life and making me give up things to be apart of their life. I know I don't HAVE to but I NEED to be in their lives. I can't just leave them like my other 3 siblings. I just feel like I should be able to have a say in another kid but I can't tell someone "no you can't have a baby!" Thats not right or fair but my head just screams
WHAT ABOUT ME!!
No comments:
Post a Comment