RIP

Its been a hard few weeks. I've never lost anyone close to me before until mid last month when in the same week I lost a friend/old coworker and my great grandma. But the hardest one was today when I lost a good friend and ex.

I went to high school with TL we use to pass each other down the halls and at lunch, he'd turn and smile at me but I was always to scared to go talk to him. Finally the smiles turned into him saying hello and small conversations but we never got close until I graduated. After my 2 and a half year boyfriend cheated on me I went through an anti boy stage but a few months of TL trying to persuade me to go on a date with him I finally gave in. It didn't take much for me to start to like him but like many people he came with baggage and unfortunately trying to hold his was like strapping a bomb to your back you could never set down.

He was someone that deserved a lot more than life gave him. In high school him and his two year girlfriend went camping when they rolled while off roading and she didn't make it. He never moved on from this and I don't blame him but trying to start a relationship with him was difficult, he always felt guilty like he was cheating on her. Making future plans with him was impossible and any cute dates caused for upset phone calls after being stood up. Eventually despite my strong feelings I gave up.

But that doesn't stop me from going over the good memories we made. Midnight hiking trips, long drives, movies, parties, dinner dates. He was smart, caring, funny, dedicated, and strong willed despite family issues and past pains. I could go on and tell some incredibly funny stories and some very sad ones but I am all cried out for the day.

In todays day and age when you lose someone be prepared to avoid social media for awhile. I can't open Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram without seeing a photo of him or news postings of the drunk drivers truck inside the drivers side of his car rapped around a pole. Waking up to that causes that horrible stomach to the floor fighting the urge to throw up feeling especially when it was only the other day when you talked to them.

 I've moved on from our relationship but that doesn't help me from thinking back and wishing I would have done some things different during our time together, especially since he wasn't over it. My last tests were of him apologizing for not being in a state to give me what I was looking for and asking for a second chance Now I can't help but have a broken heart thinking about how someone who overcame so much left the world too soon.

The world is going to be a sad place without you hun and I'm so very sorry for so much, but I will miss you everyday.. Now I find myself going over old texts mostly laughing but some regretting what I said and what I didn't say. RIP Handsome!

What Your Lies Look Like

I thought we were past this.

I thought I could trust you.

But how do I trust those who lie?

And in my book a lie is no different than the things you intentionally hide.

I got you back.

Yes, not as we once were,

But as we first started.

And that was why I will always love you.

Before you my life was black and white.

After you no colors existed,

I only say outlines.

But eventually I found myself,

Who I was and who I wanted to be without you.

And just as always before,

We came back to each other.

It was a new beginning.

Two people with a past we already knew,

But a present that was different. 

I found the only person I could ever open up to when I was young.

You came into my life when I was truly lost and alone.

I doubt you know this but you saved me.

You were the best person for me at the time.

I got through my broken world with you there everyday.

You gave me reasons to smile,

And at times things were hard.

But we both needed it,

I needed to slowly let in the hurt and heal.

You needed to experience it.

As hard as it was when you left it forced me to rely on myself.

I finally saw who I actually was.

So much time went by,

And I would be the one lying if I said I didn't think of you.

Yes it hurt to lose my first love,

But it hurt more to lose the friend you were to me. 

You got me through the roughest part my life will ever see.

And just when I thought I was getting that person back, 

The one I told everything to,

The one I completely got to be myself with,

I found I obviously wasn't that person for you too anymore.

Your relationships don't bother me,

Actually they make me happy.

It bothers me you are lying,

Not only to me but to her,

As well as yourself.

It hurts me to see how little you have grown.

The lies you once told me are the ones she hears now,

It breaks my heart to see how little your relationships mean to you.

One day she'll find out,

Not from me but on her own as I did.

And then her world will come crashing down.

How does it feel to always be the one holding the gun to the hearts of those you claim to love? 

Let me tell you a story

Let me tell you a story...

Of an empty girl,

Haunted by a past she try not remember.

Of a quiet girl,

Hushed by ignoring ears of those around her. 

Of an angry girl,

In situations because of her mother. 

Let me tell you a story...

Of the first wrong glance,

Playing outback as he hid at the window.

Of the first wrong words, 

Always being told "you look so much like her."

Of the first wrong touch,

Getting tucked into bed without PJ's on. 

Let me tell you a story... 

Of her feeling small,

When no one listened to her speaking the truth. 

Of her moving on,

Because it was the only thing she could do. 

Of her all grown up,

Forced to forget more of her dwindling past.

Do I like you or do I like the attention you give me?

This is the ultimate question! I am an ass hole when it comes to boys! I like a chalage, the chase, the thrill of liking someone new, or making someone like me. But do I really Iike that person or do I like the attention I get from them, or am trying to get from them? 

I never answer this answer until I get that person then the answer is usually no, I don't like them. And by this point it's too late to back out without hurting the boys feelings. I know there are some crazy clingy girls out there but I think there are just as many boys that way too! Boys try to play it all cool like they don't care and they just want to "fuck bitches" but in my experience once you get into bed with a boy they get clingy! 

Or maybe they just always want the opposite of what you want. When you want a relationship they don't, when you just want to have sex they want more. I've done two long term relationships in my life and well... both of them crashed into a pit of predictable but forever fighting the odds doom. After my second one I needed a break and thought this was a good opportunity to get out in the world have fun and sleep with whoever I want.

Well after a couple meaningless to me hookups and some awkward convos of no I don't want to date you's and never talking to them again I have really come to the conclusion of: Wow I am an ass. 

My always the same routine is oooo I like him! Okay bam now he likes me! Some cute dates! Wow I really like him! Sex! Yea okay I'm over this I don't really Iike you sorry bye! Now don't get me wrong I don't sleep with loads and loads of people most of the time I completely skip the sex stage and after a few times out and I know that person likes me I'm out. And no the sex isn't always horrible (few times yes but that is a whole separate story to roast someone in later) so why do I always do this?

I am a nit picker! I somehow find one thing I don't like about a person and soon that becomes all I see until I can't stand them anymore. Other times I just get bored. Like I said I love the chalage and once that's over and I win, where's the fun anymore? 

Now I am a strong believer in karma and it finds a way of kicking me in the ass by making me actually like people (or truly think I do just cuz I can't win) who just want to sleep with me but don't want to date me.

So now I've hit a point where my love life is about as dry as it gets and it's been this way for quite awhile now. As you've read last few dates I've been on has kinda scared me away from the dating life but I've been thinking I want to get back out there. So now the question is do I like you or do I just want to like to like you?

Is someone really considered a mother for just giving birth?

I'm going to get off track a little but if your just interested in what this post is titled skip down 9 paragraphs..

Hey everyone! I knows its been a while but honestly I've been pretty stuck. Usually writing comes pretty easy to me, something makes me happy, sad, angry, frustrated, curious, anything and me being the way I am I find it very difficult to talk things out, why?

1. I'm horrible with words! So when I try to express how I'm feeling others see me the opposite of what I want them to. I come off bitchy when I state my opinion, or I seem sad when I'm actually relieved, or angry when I just don't understand.

2. I am a crier! Yes one of my most hated things about myself, especially when it comes to talking to my dad. What is it about dads when your fine and holding yourself together but then they come around and you just break down. Well.. that is me. I don't know how to work through my feeling and I keep everything in and when I try to talk about something I just cry and for no reason. I try to hold it back but yeah right thats not possible.

3. The one thing everyone always says... No one really understands. I don't know how to talk to people about something in my life when I think (which means I think I know) they can not relate to my situation.

4. I don't want anyone to see me broken. I've always been wildly independent, everyone thinks that this is just how I am but I got this way because I had to be. I never would have survived in this world relying on others because everyone around me has let me down, broke their promises, left me, and kicked me to the curb.

So ever since I was a little girl I would write through my problems. I still have all my old journals and diaries starting from 3rd grade and up. I don't remember much from my childhood so going through them now is my way of connecting to who I was and apart of who I am, but I notice a lot of pages are ripped out and missing. When I have a horrible day or am super upset about something... lets use my dog as an example. I got him a little after I moved out and I was lonely I needed something to take care of. But this dog is impossible he refuses to be potty trained and when I try to get help or advice from people I know they would just tell me to get rid of him.

I took him in and doing so I agreed to take care of him for the rest of his life. I don't have kids so my pets are my kids. How could I just get rid of my son? Why take something in to just give it away. What would he think or feel? I can tell you.. the same way I felt my entire life. I just NEEDED one person to tell me to keep him to tell me to try this or anything, unfortunately I lack people like this in my life. So after a bad frustrating day with my dog I broke down and balled my eyes out screaming I have to get rid of him. So I locked myself in my room and I wrote about it... him... everything, a full 11 pages and after that I felt a million times better because I told myself to keep him.

People may not be able to think the way I do or see things the way I do but I do, so thats why I write. A less weird way of talking to myself and being my own therapist.

So lets get on track of the title to this blog. Last night I had a dream about my mother.. I haven't spoken to her since I flew home to Washington to be in a childhood friends wedding back in June, before that.. I couldn't tell you. I tried to avoid her that whole trip. I hadn't been home in 2 years I should have been super excited to finally go but I was dreading it and nervous because I'd have to see her. My mom is super manipulative she could make you believe the shy is pink. When I'm around her she acts as if nothing wrong has ever happened and if you bring anything up she is the victim to everything and poor her. She can twist and bend anything and you walk away brain washed and believing her and no longer mad about a time she ditched you at some crack whores house for 3 months.

You have to retell yourself no this is wrong, what she did was wrong. This is how she sucks so many people in and how she has a clueless boyfriend only 4 years older than me. I haven't thought about my mom in awhile but someway or another she finds a way to pop up when she no longer exists to me. In my dream we were in this weird house and she told me I had to leave because her and her boyfriend were moving overseas and I flipped and basically told her all the things I have wished to say to her. She then got really mad and stormed off and her boyfriend got mad at me for being so mean so I went off on him too, then I woke up. this dream was so real and I suppose my minds way of telling me I'll never truly move on in my life until I say the things I need to say.

So here are my letters to both of them...

Dear A.J.,
Why do you stay? She is mean to you, taken over your life, ruined your credit, and stressed you out to the point of not eating and losing 40 pounds. I know how she works, she makes you feel worthless and like you have no place else to go, but you do. You are still so young and still newly out of the navy, you should be out in the world having a good time with friends, going to school, getting a good job.
What happens when you grow up and you want children? She already has 4 she never sees or supports and her tubes are tied. What happens if I ever have a child? You could become a grandpa before your ever even being a dad. She has told you so many lies. Her kids were not meanly taken from her by the dads. She left us in a shelter home for me to take care of. We ended up with ur dads because for the umpteenth time she disappeared. She tell you about being clinically depressed and having borderline personality disorder? How about being a hypochondriac? Yeah all those medical bills were for nothing fyi.
Your throwing your life away with this woman and if you truly love her why not help her get better? Why don't you push her to take her meds, or go see the kids? Do you not wonder? Or is it normal to you to be a mother but have nothing to do with your children. Open your eyes..
Sincerely,
Never going to call you Dad.




Dear Mom,
For years you had me fooled. I thought so highly of you, like you could do no wrong. I hated my dad for 16 years thinking he was the bad guy, yes he could have been better but you could have been a mother. I was raised by maybe 30 separate people all for short periods of time, not a single one of them was you. I could go on for 20 years on all the wrongdoings you've done to me but somehow I can understand not being ready for a child at 17 and majorly fucking up, but why proceed to have 3 more and make the same exact mistakes.
I took care of child #2 like she was my own. She was my whole world. She's finally getting to that age where she is starting to realize everything you've done. Its heartbreaking to see her struggle with her relationship with you as I did. Even more heartbreaking when she tells me I am more of a mother to her than you are. How do you think she felt after breaking her arm and you stole her pain meds? It was like seeing her whole world crash down when she finally put the pieces of your addiction together. The family had to sit down and tell her the stories of you being locked away in your dark room high on pain meds sleeping your life away, while her dad was out working to support us and I was raising you.
How about the many times you made plans with the 3 of them, or promised them things like school supplies, clothes, food, toys, birthday presents, or just plain visits but never followed through. Child #3 and 4 are still young enough to love you unconditionally and never question your presence or actions. This is the thing that pisses me off the most. You still have a chance with them, you could still fix your relationship with the two youngest ones. Hell if you tried hard enough you could probably fix it with #2 too.
But you could never fix your relationship with me. I have been so done with you for a few years now and the fact that you don't see that is pathetic. You cry to grandma because I don't tell you Happy Birthday or even worse Happy Mothers Day, but now you see how it feels to be your kids. I don't tell you Happy Mothers Day because you are not a mother. You gave birth to us yes but it takes more than that to be a mom. A mom is someone who is there when you need them. Someone who doesn't drop you off at school on the weekends and take off, someone who doesn't leave a baby to take care of another baby, someone who doesn't let their boyfriend look at you the wrong way or tuck you into bed. A mother makes you do homework and notices when you stop going to school in 1st and 2nd grade.
You are a broken shell of what could be a person. You view the whole world as out to get you. One day on your death bed you'll look around and see everyone else finally joined me on giving up on you and you'll wish you would have done things differently. But I am done waiting around hoping one day you'll realize and change. I can't stand to see the others still waiting. Especially grandma, its one thing to give up on a parent but a parent never gives up on a child. How many times will you break her heart? How many times will you still think its everyone else fault but your own? I have so many questions and I have beaten myself up many times trying so hard to think the way you do just for a second, to try and understand the way you think and I know I never will.
You ruined 4 beautiful kids lives. We will all have voids to fill because of you and obstacles within ourselves to overcome. You took aways my childhood and I will not get that back, you made me block out so many memories I hardly know where I come from. You made me grow up without a mother and with a step mother who would never accept me. You made me feel guilty to the other kids for having more time with you then they ever will, but somehow I think that just makes it harder for me and easier for them. Every thing I have gone through was because of you! I hit my lowest of lows and didn't know how to live in the cage I was put in all because you left me, you left all of us. Child #2 is now living the spitting image of my life that I fought through so she wouldn't have to. 3 and 4 are living with the pig who made me scared when you were gone and are never going to know how women should be treated.
But I hope your life is wonderful. I hope you truly love AJ, your sick way of still feeling like you have motherly instincts by taking care of your kid boyfriend and loving your stupid dog more than you have ever loved us children. I hope you roll over and sleep easy never thinking about us because soon we will all learn not to think of you.
Sincerely,
#1

277

I showed up to work today feeling good, it was my Friday and payday! But then my coworker shows up super sick barely able to talk and coughing all over the place. Not even five minutes after we show up for work it starts getting very windy and haboobish outside, got to love Arizona's surprise dust storms. So we grab our carts and ladders and make our way over to the 4 classrooms we were going to get done tonight. Maybe 10 minutes after being inside and starting working it begins pouring outside and loud thunder all around.

I didn't notice the bad omens around me. I just kept going on with my work like any other day while texting my friends about our upcoming camping trip. So finally I move on to the second classroom where I put in a motion sensor then moved over to the lighting J-Box to put in two power backs. I climb up all the way to the top of my 8 foot ladder (yes I know safety people I am not allowed to step on the top two steps) and I pulled my phone out of my pocket and put on one of my favorite songs.

I wasn't going to do anything with the high volt wires inside this box so I just had the lights off not the power turned off... mistake number one. So I take the cover off and very carefully try to move the high volt wires out of my way, might I add these are old thick wires that were stiff as a board. Im trying to knock one of the 3/4'' holes out of the side to put my second power pack on the box and this thing was not budging so what do I do? Mistake number two.. I pulled out my channel locks and stick them inside this live box when bam! There was a nick in one of the wires that I didn't see but my channel locks hit it just right and if that wasn't bad enough I had my left hand holding on to the metal pole that fed into that box... mistake number three.

You know what they say, three strikes your out! My whole body is pulsating and shacking, I can literally feel the 277 volts I had running through my body. The worst part about 277 is it grabs ahold of you, I was stuck. I couldn't let go and I couldn't say a thing despite me trying to pull away and scream. I stood there pulsating faster than you could imagine when one very dramatic thought raced through my head

Holy shit... this is how I die.

45 seconds... just shy of a minute when everything was starting to go black. You know when you stand up too quick and everything starts to go black starting from the outside moving in to where you can only see a tiny circle right in front of you, thats what happened when I must have shook so bad that I fell off my ladder. For anyone that knows me my greatest fear just came to life, heights and falling! I fell back taking out a few ceiling tiles, my phone and all my tools on my way down. I smacked my arm on some second graders wooden desk just before falling on my back and mostly my left hip.

Finally that scream I was trying to get out for 45 seconds came out. I laid there on the ground, no pain but couldn't breath. I could feel my heart going a thousand miles per hour when my sick coworker and boss who were right in the next room came running in trying to find me in this pitch black room. One of them made their way to the light switch only to find me laying here gasping to air with my surrounding 10 feet looking like a hurricane blew through. I calmed down pretty quick and was able to catch my breath when I lay there going through 20 questions with the guys.

Are you okay? What happened? Do you feel this? Can you move your toes? Do you need an ambulance? Yes, basicaly the whole above story, yes, yes, no. I was okay.. then the pain came, only in my left hip though. Well my boss called my dad and it took him all of 5 minutes to get there, at this point I was sitting up in a chair. I tried to tell everyone I was honestly okay but they forced me to go to the ER anyways.

I fill out about 50 pages of paperwork and finally get sent into this Antartica of a patient room when a male nurse came in and made me explain what happened and what hurt. 35 minutes later, and at this point I am literally shivering and my hip is pulsating from a pain of 5 to 7, 5 to 7, the doctor comes in and I tell him all the same things and he looks at my neck, back, and hip, then the burns on my hands. He asked me maybe 20 times if my head or neck hurt like he just couldn't believe I fell 9 feet and didn't hurt anything but my freaking hip.

Well after telling everyone I'm fine, medicine, peeing in a cup, a hip and pelvic X-ray, an EKG heart exam, being pricked 5 times to find a vein to draw blood and a full bag of fluid I'm sent home and guess what? I'm fine. I have a nice gimp and some hella fat bruised but all in all pretty okay considering.

We'll see how I feel tomorrow.

Grown Ups Don't Have Nightmares

WRONG!

When I was younger I had bad dreams quite often. In fact I about 90% of the time remember all my dreams and in my 20 years of living I can not tell you of a single one where I was not scared, running, being chased, frantically trying to escape, or in a giant maze (or a huge 20+ story building trying to find my way out through endless hallways and offices with huge windows).

When I was about 5 I had one of the scariest dreams a 5 year old could have. Everyone in the entire world was lined up in their cars to this tiny booth, like the little drive up coffee shops. And of coarse my dad, driving, my step mom, passenger, and me, in the back, were the very last people in line. So we finally pull up and my dad leans his head out the window then my step mom leans over him to stick her head out the window too to talk to this little fat lady inside the booth. Then they both fall back into their seats all bloody missing their faces! I began panicking and looked out the window to see the fat lady with this huge butcher knife handing my parents faces with nails on this huge wall of billions of faces. I jumped out of the car and began running, up a hill I might add. I was trying to run as fast and I can but I kept tripping so I was trying to crawl but it was like my body was becoming paralyzed (this always happens to me in dreams when I try to run away!). The fat lady carrying her butcher knife caught up to me and swings her arm up and bam! I jump awake screaming!

15 years later I can still remember that dream like it was yesterday. But the whole reason I am bringing up my dreams is because lately they seem to be getting really bad again! Just the other night I had a dream about a childhood friend who recently just got married and in my dream her and her husband just had 5 babies... yes 5 all at once. They invited a bunch of people to go on this family trip with them and we all got on this train (never been on a train before). This dream felt like hours and hours, we were all mooning over these 5 little baby girls, one of witch I was holding and talking to and just hanging out with everyone like it was completely real when the train started shacking. I handed the little girl to her mom and walked to the front of the train were two other men where (I had no clue who they were but I just knew that one of them I did not like!). All the sudden the train started falling apart, screeching and sparks flying. Next thing I know this train is basically nothing more then its frame moving extremely fast on the tracks. This beam started swinging and was coming strain for my face, I had to dodge it a few times and the front end of the train fell down dragging on the tracks slowing the train down. I saw this opening that I tried to squish through but everything was coming down. I'm squirming with all my might trying to get out and this thing is coming down on me.

Finally I make it out and the train is at a complete stop now and me and one of the guys run over to find the other guy (the one I didn't like) smashed on the ground with his huge beam on his neck and shoulders, both arms laying flat to one side while he was flat on his face. This didn't look right. An ambulance pulled up and they lifted the beam off to find his one arm had been bent over his back and sever at his shoulder and he had this huge gash across his back and neck. I sat their holding his hand when he died! Yes very dramatic and mind I tell you no I did not watch any crazy movies lately.

I have a billion other stories just like this of all my dreams! But honesty lately they have been getting worse to maybe 2-3 a night now. I wake up in a frantic and then it takes me hours to fall back asleep. You thing only little kids have nightmares but I'd take my 5 year old dreams back anyday!

Anniversary Of My Almost Death

Quick I’m Running Out Of Time, Play Match Maker!

Why is everyone constantly trying to hook me up with someone or telling me how I need a boyfriend?! My coworker (and also my uncles best friend) is always trying to play match maker… but with absolutely anyone. If I talk about my two closest guy friends he’ll interrupt mid story/sentence “Why don't you date him?” And apparently “Um… He’s my best friend?” isn't an acceptable answer. 

My other coworkers son also works for the same company and let me just politely say this kid is weird! Like talks with a lisp ON PURPOSE and constantly pulls stories out of his ass to sound cool or one up everyone, weird. But that doesn't stop my coworker from EVERYDAY making a comments on why don’t you date (Insert his name here but for his sake lets just call him lisp boy)? 

Today for instance we walk into the music room after school to work on the lights and the teacher was still in there setting up for tomorrow. He was a pretty young looking guy and as soon as he steps out what does my coworker say? “I found you a boyfriend!” 

UM NO! and its not just him, my dad too! Your life would be easier if you had a boyfriend. If you had a boyfriend you wouldn't have to work on your car. If you had a boyfriend your rent would be cheaper, your dog would be better, yada yada yada. And any time I talk about anything apartment related (My lease is almost up so right now I am currently apartment shopping) EVERYONE and their mother tell me I need to find a boyfriend to move in with.

What is this the 1950’s? I don’t NEED a fudging boyfriend and I am doing just fine for myself. I don’t want someone to support me and take care of me thats what parents are for the first 18 years of your life. People these days are so dependent on others they forget to grow up and take care of themselves. 

Geez! I am young and have plenty of time to be picky about who I want to share my life with but according to everyone else I must be running out of time, or my ovaries are drying up. But god forbid I talk about children Because I’m wayyyy to young for that. 

Being The Only Female At Work

So recently I quit my job as a server to go work for my dad. The jobs a little hard to explain I do controls but basically its electrical work and that requires me to be on construction sites. Well let me just tell you there is no looking cute in construction. I go in in boots and jeans and a bright neon yellow shirt with my hard hat and tool belt just like every other guy there. But that does not stop them from staring at me like I'm some foreign object. 

I knew what I was getting into when I agreed to work for my company and everyone warned me of how hard it would be, lots of physical work, I carry a heavy latter with me everywhere I go, and I am doing a mans job.  Nothing sexual harassment like has happened but I have been asked out a few times and creeped on pretty hard but that's no different than anytime a woman walks down the street these days. I don't know when it became expectable to cat call at people.  

My first job site I was on was a hospital and one day I'm up on a 10 foot latter ( I AM DEATHY AFRAID OF HEIGHTS and yes that is a major part of my job so why I agreed to stay I ask myself every time I climb up anything... Especially the roof) and around 8am is when all the other guys the electricians, drywallers, insulation, pipers, ductworkers and a few other guys go on break. So I'm up on this latter wiring up a dac for the AC unit and I start to feel a little awkward. I look over at this group of 20+ guys huddled in a circle maybe 20 feet away staring at me. I go back to what I was doing and 10 minutes go by and they are all still staring! 

At this point I'm feeling pressured because I'm brand new barely know what I'm doing messing with wires 10 feet off the ground and awkward because I know I'm the odd ball out of everyone there. But as more time goes by I start to get pissed! And I mean sweaty, teeth quenching, face on fire pissed. Well as the quick to act without thinking, outspoken person I am, I climbed down stomped right over to all of them and said 

"Hello everyone my names Owlette95, yes I am a fucking girl and yes I am going to be working here! So now that you all know who I am, can you stop fucking staring at me like a bunch of creeps!" 

From that point on they kept their stared to a minimum and actually started conversations with me. Though they were all still way overly nice to me, my coworker even told me "I like when your around people don't bitch at me. Although it is annoying that more people then ever are now talking to me just because your around." But honestly I just want to be left alone at work. I want to go in do my job for the day and leave. 

The smaller job sites I'm on aren't as bad but the bigger ones make me nervous. Not because of the potential things that could happen or things people say but being stared at. It's like these guys have never seen a chick before! And I have to bust my ass to get everyone use to me. I have to go out of my way to talk to them here and there and I am a really shy person so I'm horrible with new people but by the time everyone knows me and everything feels comfortable the jobs done. Then I get sent to a new site with new people and I have to start all over.   

But despite everything I really do love my job and I'm working with some great people so far. Right now I'm at a school and I sure do find ways to entertain myself! 

Dating After a Major Relationship

Oh boy! I’m so excited for this topic because it comes with struggles and successes and lets face it, a hell of lot of funny stories! So let me tell you a few of mine! And feel free to tell me some of yours!!

My senior year of High School I started dating a boy a grade younger than me, he was smart and nerdy, shy and quiet (until he got to know you then he talked more than anyone I know), funny but unnoticed and those were some of the things I loved most about him. We had a class together and got randomly selected to be partners in a group project. 

Well the over-achievers we both are we were up late working on the project a few days after we got it and google docs shows you who is also editing your powerpoint. So we started messing around and changing each others work then we just started talking on this powerpoint page for hours until finally exchanged numbers.

Before him, I was with one boy from 7th grade all the way to junior year, 5 years of my life I talked to my best friend and someone I loved more than life every single day. And as all first epic loves I thought we would be together forever.. until one day we weren’t. I was devastated and if it wasn't for my friends I felt like I wouldn't have been able to pick my life back up. Especially having to go back to school and see him.

But a few months later this new boy actually made me smile again; actually made a 17 year old girl obsessed with her phone again. After a few months of the “talking” stage he tried to make us official but after my last relationship I didn't think I could go through that again.. Well after the 5th time and 6 months I finally said yes. 

We were together for 2 years (2 and a half counting the missing title in the beginning) and we had some amazing times! He made me more adventurous, we actually drove 3 hours away for this prom dress I really wanted and spent the day in this random town. He made me laugh and feel confident and special. But like any young person your still growing and figuring out who you are and he became cocky and mean and demanding.

I felt like everything was my fault and I found myself scrambling to pick up the pieces to our relationship, even after he made a major mistake. I was so stuck in the routine of our life together and change scares the hell out of me so I held on far longer than I should of. Until one day, sitting on my couch in my apartment I realized how unhappy I was. 

That break up was the hardest decision of my life, but somehow its easier to move on when you are the one to make the decision to end things, just because you yourself have reached the end even of the other person hasn’t. I put all my extra time into school and work, but eventually I started giving myself a little free time here and there. I started to like my new life of just me and my new puppy I got. He helped a lot! 

So a whole year later after a few meaningless hook ups, I decided I wanted to start dating again! And this is where I came to the conclusion I am cursed!! 

I tend to go for people younger than me and it is very annoying because I am an extremely independent person so I told myself the next person I try and date will be older and MUST live on their own, no more mommy and daddy still doing their laundry. And after a crazy work party I do not remember, I started talking to the former AC of the restaurant I was serving at. He was 29, though in my defense I thought he was about 25 and he told me he thought I was 23. He was the roommate of two other servers I worked with but also had a daughter! Big step Owlette!

After quite a few dates and one awkward sleepover we decided to go bowling! How fun right? I haven't been in awhile so we go and he's acting really funny and being extremely clingy. 

Side note: excessive amounts of PDA makes me feel awkward and claustrophobic.

So I asked him if he was drunk and he goes no I only had a few beers. Then what does he do? Goes over to the bar and gets a few more beers, at this point I’m a little annoyed with him but trying to still have a good time. So after every turn of both him and I, I get my face smothered and then he goes to pick up his beer and BAMB spills it all over me and my phone ( I was texting my best friend about a rescue mission). I ran to the bathroom to clean myself up as best I could, when I come back out and after he stood there and watched me clean up all the spilled beer over the table and chair and ground, he finally apologizes.

For a second there I thought he was going to cry! I wrapped his arm over my shoulder and was like “alright alright lets get you home.” So I put him in my car and as soon as I turn onto his street he smacks his head on my passenger window and I have to carry his 200 pound ass into the house and into his room. One of his weird gamer roommates runs out and was like what happened? I told him he's drunk and we both flopped him on his bed. 

My drunk date then grapes me and pulls me on him and goes stay the night. As soon as I said no I have to get home he freaked! Saying things likes wow I thought you liked me, this is why your still alone because you wont stay with me. Naturally, being the pissed off, beer drenched, girl I was, I said “Fuck you! Don't talk to me anymore” and left.

Well a million texts later and stalking me at work, I got a text “I know your off work I saw you sitting in your car will you talk to me now?” text, he finally left me alone. 

A few weeks later a new server from work asked me out and I told myself why not. So we went to dinner and it was great! He wasn't the most attractive person ever but he was funny and super easy to talk to so that made him attractive. After dinner we were going to go see a movie but he wanted to stop by his apartment first. 

Well we get there, I walk in and he introduces me to his cousin sitting on the couch looking through Netflix and I notice the recently watch section and its full of My Little Pony shows. Then we walk down the hall and I look into the bathroom and theres a My little Pony shower curtain and at the end of the hallway there was a desk and above it a shelf with like 20 pink My Little Pony dolls. At this point I'm asking myself What the fuck?!  Well then I peek into his room as he's going through his dresser and there is a huge My Little Pony poster and 2 shirts I can see on his bed.

Finally I ask “Do you have a daughter or something?” He looks at the My Little Pony shirts on his bed I was looking at and in the most calm totally natural seeming voice he says “No I’m a brony.” Well I had no idea what that was, I had never heard of it before so I walked back out the the living room and looked it up on my phone. I was shocked these people even exist. He is a grown 26 year old man into My Little Pony! 

He walked back out and handed an envelope to his cousin and asked me if I was ready. I then said “ You know what I had a good time but I'm just going to go home.” and I walked out the door and left! I immediately call my little sister and told her everything and after 20 straight minutes of her laughing at me I told her “you know what I am so done dating.”

I know those were just two incidences but trust me I had a few more just like them, one even involving a vagina, another creepily trying to seduce me by speaking french in my ear then translating and not letting me leave his house. So at this point in my life I have stopped actively trying to date. But I sure did find some good stories to tell to people needing a good laugh.   

I know I am young but I had to grow up quick so I tend to forget I am 20 and not a 30 year old lady still single, but lately I have found myself sitting alone in my apartment on the weekends watching sappy love shows and movies. Lets not forget Facebook updating me that everyone I know is having babies and getting married.

Feeling a little lonely is okay sometimes and maybe it is my mind telling me to try again and get back out there but after my luck hiding in my apartment might not be so bad!

I Don't Get A Say In What Is Also Shaping My Life

This is a hard topic for me because I get SOOOO angry, but a coworker brought it up today and its had my head once again spinning about the topic. So, I'm going to get it all out. All my thoughts and selfish opinions and why I think/feel the way I do, annnnnddddd any comments or advice would be nice.

Lets start with my age, I am 20 years old, my parents had me when they were 17 and 18. They were never together so I always knew a life with two/more sets of parents. My mother is such a long story! I could write a novel series about that part of my life but lets save that for another time. So today is going to be all about my parents (Father and Step-Mother).

Okay, I moved here to Arizona when I was 10, 4th grade, to live with my dad and his girlfriend. My life before here was extremely hard, I never had a set parental figure. Therefor I raised myself. Every kids dream right? Well you'd think so until you actually lived that way. Moving somewhere new ever few months sometimes with your mom, sometimes with your grandma, other times with some friend your mom would drop you off with and then didn't come back, but most my memories were in an apartment alone or a shelter home. But here comes the biggest piece of me and why I am who I am today, I also had a little sister 5 years younger than me.

I became a mother at 5 YEARS OLD! I would get her up in the morning, change her diaper, feed her, bath her, play with her, everything you can think of I did it. My childhood was gone, I had a little life to look out for. Then 3 years later my mother had another little girl. Then 2 years later a baby boy and almost immediately after he was born, and the state found out I was barely going to school and my Step Dad called my real dad and told him this was his chance to win in a custody battle, I was sent down to Arizona.

From the last month of 4th grade (I had to start on a Friday in April) all the way to the beginning of 6th grade I was a very difficult kid to handle. I would get in fights at school, cuss at my teachers, steal things from presentation classes, all while getting straight A's, but that didn't stop me from getting suspended a few times. Why you ask? Keep in mind this was my 10-12 year old way of thinking

If I'm super bad, my parents will send me back so I can take care of my little sister. She NEEDS me!

Well after 5th grade I realized they were not going to send me back so I was good from that point on, got in trouble from here and there but still better than most kids I knew. Unfortunately me and my dads girlfriend did not get along. I've known her my whole life, she use to be friends with my mom and hung out with the same group of kids my dad and his twin brother did. She was 15 when I was born. Well when I was 12 my parents got married, I didn't want them too but my dad did anyways.

After they got married is when my Step Mom and my's relationship shattered beyond repair. We couldn't even be in the same room without fighting. I begged my dad for help. I was so unhappy and lived in a prison. All my friends called me Cinderella growing up because all I ever did was clean and was constantly grounded. Yes a few times I deserved to be grounded but not for a whole year or months and months at a time. I didn't have a life, I barely went out with friends, I wasn't allowed to watch rated R movies until I moved out.

So skipping ahead in this what was supposed to be a short background to my major story, my high school graduation was about 2 weeks after my 18th birthday and my present was

"Hey were having a baby and she's going to be in your room!" (We have a 3 bedroom house.)

So what did I do? I moved out. My dad came into my room one morning shocked I was awake so early and saw my room packed up in boxes and I told him I was moving that day. And let me just say that was the best thing I have ever and probably will ever do for myself. Now my sister is 18 months old and I love her to pieces. I missed out on seeing my other siblings grow up, the one that is practically mine is in driving school now the other two are finally getting old enough I can keep them on the phone for a whole 10 minutes and I do fly home as much as possible to see them but still there always a year older, an inch taller, have a new hobby, a new friend, a whole different life, and that breaks my heart. So I look at my baby sister as my second chance, I want to be apart of her life, I've ruled out ever moving back home one day or away for a University so she will know who I am. I am farther in age from her than I am from my own parents.

Finally, my big story I wanted to tell was my dad dropped the bomb on me that they want to have another child. Its been about 2 weeks since he told me and I found out today that I was the last person to be told... As much as I dislike my Step Mom she's only 35 and it took her a long time to have my sister so I don't want her to miss out on the chance to have kids of her own but I loved being my dads only kid. When they had my sister it was really hard on me! I didn't want to be selfish but there was so many times my heart was braking watching them do things with her and give her things I NEVER had.

I know that sound horrible but remember these are my selfish thoughts. These are all the things I didn't say. I always sat there watching and letting my heart shatter. Since moving out my relationship with my dad is great but I can't help but feel I was kicked out of the family, honestly I feel like nothing more than a visitor in their lives. I left and they got new cars and campers and razors and family pictures and doctor visits, but the whole time I was little I had nothing, I got a job when I was 15 to pay for my phone and gas. But my step mom couldn't stand me calling the car (hers then my dads, then mine) "my car" so they sold it and I got a $1500 piece of crap that died 3 months later, then I took the city buss till I was 18. I have no family photos, I never went to the doctor, didn't have nice things and they did have money. I've done everything on my own since I was 16, my dad helped me here and there but nothing too big, let me borrow his truck for awhile, loaned me some money when I was short on rent even while working two jobs.

I had to give up college for awhile because I didn't have time with two full time jobs, Im finally going to go back spring of 2016 but the point is, it kind of makes me jealous of my sister and extremely resentful to my parents to see there lives now and to know Im not part of it. Just a simple go camping with us or let me go apartment shopping with you but no they saw my first apartment twice, the day I moved in and the day I moved out. They saw this one the day I moved in and my lease is up in 2 months.

But now they want another child? I'll be 21 before it's even born and thats if they conceive right away and don't have problems like last time. I know it is their life and their children but thats still my siblings that is still affecting MY life and making me give up things to be apart of their life. I know I don't HAVE to but I NEED to be in their lives. I can't just leave them like my other 3 siblings. I just feel like I should be able to have a say in another kid but I can't tell someone "no you can't have a baby!" Thats not right or fair but my head just screams

WHAT ABOUT ME!!

Why?

When we all start something new we usually get asked the great Why?  But since I chose to have who I am set aside for now I had to ask myself why.

Why are you starting a blog Owlette95?

Well me, you see I've been contemplating for some time now, but in raw truth I decided to make a blog for you... or me? Or us, since I am magically two people right now.

But still.. why?

Why? Because I find myself laying in bed drowning in my thoughts. I find myself holding back things I maybe should or want to say. I feel I have been the only person to ever REALLY know who I am, but lately I seem to be losing my grasp of me, what I want, where I should be, who I am, who I want to be. You see... my whole life I never had a voice. I was not able to speak my mind, say what I feel, express what was best for me.

Now lets not confuse not having a voice with speaking the truth. I have, and sometimes I fear and hope, I will always be that person who speaks the raw truth. Kind or mean, straightforward, no beating around the bush, completely uncensored, unprocessed responses. But I was never asked... and when I spoke I was not heard. Therefor my voice did not exist. Atleast that is how I felt.

So to get back to the great Why? I created this blog to find my voice and to say all

The Things I Didn't Say.